When I Grow Up, I Want to be a Cougar

Allow me to preface this: this is not about my husband (hey, he gets a mention...!)

As a married woman, I can honestly say I rarely/never find other men attractive. I just don't. Why swoon over something you could never get anyway, when you can go home and get whatever you want, even if that is an ice cream sundae and a separate bedroom (I kid, of course). Well, last week I was doing my laps (I swim. You run. Nancy swims.) when out of the corner of my goggled-eye, I spotted the most magnificent creature ever created. I officially believe there is a God (hah), because I don't know how else a human like this would be created, certainly through nothing as gross as sex.

This young man was in the best shape of anyone's life and was really flipping cute too. I tried my best to impress him, showing off my best freestyle and breast stroke, but he just wasn't buying it. He left not too long after, and I stopped in the shallow end to catch up with the woman in the lane next to me. She started laughing and said "you young ladies have it easy... sure he might be 8 years younger than you but you can now aspire to be a Cougar. When I was your age the only thing we could aspire to be was old, alone and wrinkled. The term 'Cougar' hadn't even been invented yet!!!" This was disheartening to me... wrinkled?? Alone?!

I don't WANT to be wrinkled, alone and old. In fact, I really want to be a total MILF so Clark will be proud to tote me around, introducing me as "Mrs. Clark Cougar, my smokin' hot wife." This leaves one solution, and one solution only... starting today I vow to take better care of my health, skin and teeth (duh) so when I am 45, doing my morning laps, some young hottie will say "damn, check out that Cougar!" and I can say "oh, sorry sweetie, I'm married. But you can come be my pool boy and bring over some wine coolers, will ya?"

Done.